Twas the Day Before Christmas

My feet ache. I was out all day yesterday, shopping, walking around, getting pushed, and being shoved. I should have brought food with me for this treacherous journey, but I didn't. I wound up ordering the ONLY thing I ever feel comfortable getting while out - black coffee. Coffee is not food replacement, but I suppose it's better than nothing. I just can't get myself to have some real food while out, I don't know when, if ever, I will be comfortable with it. The same feelings also apply to Christmas cookies. I'm surrounded by them here. I feel them staring at me, daring me to eat them. Sitting on a holiday plate, mocking me with their sight, their smell. I. Just. Can't. Funny thing is, I did eat them last year when I was still restricting. I did it as a big show. "Look! I'm eating this cookie, I'm not sick!" Nobody ever knew what measures I took for letting them pass my lips though. So, in general, I suppose I'm healthier not eating them and eating plenty of other stuff.

My birthday went very well. The cake was made to my specifications, i.e. no butter/frosting. Thankfully my late, beloved great-grandmother handed down a delicious chocolate cake recipe made with oil, so my family doesn't make a big deal about my requesting it. Without having food/cake weighing on my mind, I allowed myself to have a good time. A friend of my parents stopped by for a few seconds and jokingly called me "skin and bones." Whatever. I'm not going to waste my time worrying that I'm too thin to some people and too fat to my ED voice. I'm fine the way I am.

I've got some baking to do today, so I have something to eat for Christmas morn, and I have some wrapping to do as well. Both baking and wrapping trigger my OCD, so I'll do my best to just take it easy and not obsess. I want to have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow, I want everyone to. I don't care if you don't celebrate Christmas, I want everyone to have a day that is not ruled with whatever you suffer from. Just a day of peace on earth.

Love, Colette