The devil being the binge monster. Admittedly I've been a little lower on my food intake, not on purpose though. So I'm looking at the candy and chocolates my mom asked me to keep for my brother's stocking with great interest. The fact that I would have to explain to my mom and ultimately to my brother does not initially enter my mind. I once binged on his Easter candy. And gave a totally unconvincing, but apparently believed, explanation that I thought it was mine. I don't want to ever binge on somebody else's food again. Actually, I don't want to binge again period. Must make an effort to say no. Must make an effort to eat properly instead, not matter how little time I have.
I can't believe I turn 18 day after tomorrow. My birthday has completely snuck up on me this year. I'm not sure what to do to prepare myself. I need some kind of coping strategy. I don't want to make a plan, but if any little detail goes wrong in a plan I make, the whole plan goes down the tubes because I start to freak out. I just need to know how to deal with shutting out old, horrible, birthday memories as well as shutting up the ED voice. I made over a dress for me to wear and I stood looking at it after I was done with the ED voice telling me I was too fat to fit into it. False. I have no conception of what my body looks like.
I got my very first grade back from college. It's an A. Semi-proud, but at the same time I have a let-down feeling. I do feel really good about the fact that my paper, that I wrote in the witching hour of night, was the best in the class. I'm not letting myself bask in the glow of a good grade too long. I'm already thinking ahead to next semester. I got into two classes that are hard to get into: Women in American History and Intro to Shakespeare.My heart skips a beat just thinking about them. SO excited. I go back on January 12.
Love, Colette
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