This is about the time that I sound off on all the less nice things about myself, so be warned.
I find it amazing how I can swing from feeling confident, fairly happy, and optimistic to utterly depressed, gloomy, and certain that my world is crumbling to pieces. And I am also certain I am FAT. Logically I do know that fat I am not, but there is no room for logic in a mind infested with the voice of doom.
Sometimes I don't want to live. I don't mean I want to die, but that I just think it would be nice to take a break from the necessity of living, surviving. I also feel I have nothing to look forward to, no goal or aim. According to the medical world I've done it, I've beaten anorexia. So the goal of beating it is no more. Even when I was in the worst of my ED I had a goal, maybe not a healthy one, but a goal nonetheless. I need to think about the future, but I guess I am afraid. I don't know what I am, except I feel terribly, terribly lost.
I hope I don't bring anybody down today. Love, Colette
Edit - I am feeling a LOT better right now. I have an awful, massive headache and wish the day was over, but I don't feel as demoralized. I need to take things one day at a time instead of wanting my entire life mapped out before me. I'm fighting my way out of this.
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2 comments:
Aw, Colette honey, do you want to talk later? I know you're probably busy with finals but we should have some destressing time. I'm sorry you're feeling depressed, I know it's hard. And since food and weight is not the real problem, starting to eat and being at a healthy weight is only a small part of the "cure."
Sending love and massive hugs your way!
xxxxxxxxxx
The offer means the world to me, it really does, but I didn't charge up my phone last night so it is extremely dead. I am working very hard to dig myself out of this and your support helps a lot.
Love you xoxoxo
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