An Apology

Yesterday I wrote a rant in which I nearly lost my mind. I know that on a "normal" day I've got more than a few screws loose, but I wouldn't ever call myself a raving lunatic. But I was yesterday. The highlights of this rant (which rather than post I deleted) include:

- that I hate my body and every pound on it
- that I hate my body and how every pound on it looks
- that I hate myself because I am completely unattractive
- that I hate myself because I am too "lazy" to start starving myself again
- that if my body didn't exist, I'd be much, much happier

Sounds terribly interesting doesn't it? It's self-destructive and self-indulgent, and I can't stand that I can feel that way. In fact, I apologize for ever feeling that way. I apologize for writing a rant that could have been very triggering to somebody. I apologize because I'm really not the person who wrote that rant. Somebody else resides within me, the conglomeration of my demons so to speak. For these demons I am so sorry. For letting them take control over, for giving them the upper hand, I am sorry.

This abusive relationship I have with ED really needs to end. I know I'm clinging onto the last shreds of it. I have everything to gain by letting go. What do I lose? A slew of disgusting, vile, harmful, and sad behaviours.

Love, Colette

p.s. Christmas was okay.