Running on Empty, Almost

I am sleep-deprived. I stayed up the entire night re-writing an essay on Benedictine monks. I was, in essence, channeling my inner monk, for I was certainly displaying asceticism. I had written four of the worst pages I ever wrote, so for the sake of my sanity I had to re-write the entire thing. I feel better, but at the same time worse. I look a wreck and I need SLEEP. I have to get up early tomorrow too...

I really look forward to the end of the semester. Its finish will mean that I SURVIVED my first college experience without a major relapse into ED. I have lived in fear of that happening. Yes, I've had a few hiccups. But no major spiral. If I can keep this up I feel I can really make strides against ED. I just realized that in another month or so it will be one year since I truly entered "recovery." I'll admit that I'd tried countless times to recover, but it never stuck the way this time has. I think I really owe it to the support I've received, as well as somewhat convincing myself that I am worth recovery. Also, I want to live. Really live, not just breathing, but living with all my senses.

Love, Colette

Circles and Japanese Textiles

Note: I've been far too focused on my ED as of late and I apologize. Although it is very cathartic for me to get my feelings out, it is also very self-indulgent. So onto something else.

Now that I have introduced one of my major muses, Mary Blair, let me unveil another influence: Japanese textiles. My affinity for any fabric goes back many, many years. Fabric designer has even been a potential career path for me. Putting my basic love of fabric aside, what I find particularly fascinating about Japanese fabric is the use of circles in the designs, as well as the unconventional color combinations.


The depictions of nature in these textiles are not meant to be accurate. This freedom from accuracy allows the freedom of color.

This fabric captures my interest for a few reasons. I love the use of the green roses, which do not occur in nature in that shade. I also like the almost stained glass composition of the roses. They look a bit like they are carved. There is something almost medieval about them. Also, notice the amount of variation there is in it despite the very limited color palette.

The below picture also inspires me. This one incorporates pretty much perfectly round circles into nature in a way that doesn't look awkward. Again, the color palette is limited. I love the gold and the black together, and then the way the totally unrelated color of blue is used in the background.

The color theory in Japanese textiles is pretty simple. It doesn't have to be found in nature to be used in a re-creation of nature. Don't use too many colors, but keep contrast for texture and depth. Rules don't really apply, just use your imagination. I find that VERY inspiring. Don't you all get tired of the rules?

p.s. I know it's kind of hard to see, but I just adore the fact that some of the trees in this fabric are upside down!

I Should Be Doing Something Else...

But here I am. I ought to be working on my essays, but I'm at a total standstill with them. I find that when I try to write when I'm at that point, all I say is a total waste. I think I'm going to manage to get everything done on time, get good grades and all, but I will be so relieved when it is all over. Fighting a restriction urge, for three days in a row now I've skipped a meal, only to have to try and make up for it in the evening. I hate doing that; I've got a stupid hangup about eating in the evening because of all the diet crap I've read over the years that has told me that eating then will make me fat. NOT TRUE. Still not looking forward to it anyways.

Asides from all of that fun stuff, I'm kind of excited. My dad and I are heading up the Sierra Nevada tomorrow for our annual trek to find a Christmas tree. I will use the fact that I will be mucking around in the mud and such for a couple of hours as motivation to fuel my body. I know only to well from last year how bad it feels not to fuel yourself. So I'll spend tomorrow all bundled up and, hopefully, having a lovely time!

Love, Colette

Sigh

So, where am I now? I am somewhere in limbo between being vaguely happy and being hopelessly depressed. Being busy with finals has helped, but I know that I am just allowing myself to put off dealing with whatever the root of my depression is. Burying myself in books and notes is not the solution.

I'm going to be 18 in a little over two weeks. My birthday has never been a happy time for me, unless you go WAAAAY back to when I was about 11. I want it to be a good day so much, but can I really make it that way? I wonder sometimes if I subconsciously sabotage myself merely because I don't want to succeed and feel good about myself. Do I crave, deep down, the drama of being out of control?

I don't know where all of this is going. Maybe I've simply got too much on my plate, no pun intended, and I am having a hard time dealing with so much. I'm strong enough for one stressful thing, maybe two, but this barrage of stresses is obviously getting to me. What to do about it?

Depression is a Bitch

This is about the time that I sound off on all the less nice things about myself, so be warned.

I find it amazing how I can swing from feeling confident, fairly happy, and optimistic to utterly depressed, gloomy, and certain that my world is crumbling to pieces. And I am also certain I am FAT. Logically I do know that fat I am not, but there is no room for logic in a mind infested with the voice of doom.

Sometimes I don't want to live. I don't mean I want to die, but that I just think it would be nice to take a break from the necessity of living, surviving. I also feel I have nothing to look forward to, no goal or aim. According to the medical world I've done it, I've beaten anorexia. So the goal of beating it is no more. Even when I was in the worst of my ED I had a goal, maybe not a healthy one, but a goal nonetheless. I need to think about the future, but I guess I am afraid. I don't know what I am, except I feel terribly, terribly lost.

I hope I don't bring anybody down today. Love, Colette

Edit - I am feeling a LOT better right now. I have an awful, massive headache and wish the day was over, but I don't feel as demoralized. I need to take things one day at a time instead of wanting my entire life mapped out before me. I'm fighting my way out of this.

I Have Confidence in Me

Despite having an enormous amount of work to do, fighting a very strong voice in my head telling me not to eat, and my usual litany of problems, I feel strong and confident. This is all because, for the first time in what must be forever, I started a debate in class. After a short, but I felt beneficial phone conversation with a friend, I marched forth and did not allow myself to fear my own voice. Let me put it this way, the novel The Road is not all it's cracked up to be and certainly was not worthy of the Pulitzer Prize. A discussion was then started on the most significant novels of the past 100 years, which I am supposed to write my own list of for next class. Excited about that.

So you know what? By proving that I won't fall on my face by speaking out, I just may not fear doing it so much in the future. Interestingly, I nearly literally fell on my face as I was leaving class by getting caught in the computer wires. My professor found this infinitely funny, but then he's a strange guy.

Love, Colette

An Ode to Mary Blair

I adore the artwork of Mary Blair, with all of its wonderfully childlike flair. For those who are not aware of her, she is most famous for her work at Disney during the 1950's. She worked there as a "concept" designer. This job saw her creating the original sketches for "Alice in Wonderland," "Cinderella," and "Peter Pan." Unfortunately, by the time these movies reached the screen, Blair's original visions were often so diluted and altered that they bear little resemblence to her true style. They are not an accurate account of her work, as they have lost her whimsical touch.

This is a charming sketch of Blair's for "Alice in Wonderland." It provides an excellent study of composition. I love the way the slant of the teapots and the chair draw the eye of the viewer to the rabbit, while the steam emitting from the teapot brings the Mad Hatter to attention. To further ensure that the eye takes in the entire picture, white is used at each of the four corners. Texture rather than proper perspective adds depth.

While Blair usually worked with a variety of colors and high contrast, she also worked in monochromatic tones on occasion. Doing this is actually much harder than one would imagine, but she mastered it very well. In this other sketch for "Alice in Wonderland," the shades of pink blend together, but not to the point that the scene becomes non-existant. I find this next sketch, from "Peter Pan," particularly inspiring. The shades of grey used are usuallyreserved for rather drab, if not depressing, scenes. However, this scene is actually quite different from that and when I look at it I find it very happy.

Mary Blair's work is to me like escapism. They exude cheer and lift my mood. Blair's style is a trifle, well, flat, and it lacks the sophistication of her Disney peer, Eyvind Earle (I'll get to him another time), but her work does serve as an inspiration for me.