Twas the Day Before Christmas

My feet ache. I was out all day yesterday, shopping, walking around, getting pushed, and being shoved. I should have brought food with me for this treacherous journey, but I didn't. I wound up ordering the ONLY thing I ever feel comfortable getting while out - black coffee. Coffee is not food replacement, but I suppose it's better than nothing. I just can't get myself to have some real food while out, I don't know when, if ever, I will be comfortable with it. The same feelings also apply to Christmas cookies. I'm surrounded by them here. I feel them staring at me, daring me to eat them. Sitting on a holiday plate, mocking me with their sight, their smell. I. Just. Can't. Funny thing is, I did eat them last year when I was still restricting. I did it as a big show. "Look! I'm eating this cookie, I'm not sick!" Nobody ever knew what measures I took for letting them pass my lips though. So, in general, I suppose I'm healthier not eating them and eating plenty of other stuff.

My birthday went very well. The cake was made to my specifications, i.e. no butter/frosting. Thankfully my late, beloved great-grandmother handed down a delicious chocolate cake recipe made with oil, so my family doesn't make a big deal about my requesting it. Without having food/cake weighing on my mind, I allowed myself to have a good time. A friend of my parents stopped by for a few seconds and jokingly called me "skin and bones." Whatever. I'm not going to waste my time worrying that I'm too thin to some people and too fat to my ED voice. I'm fine the way I am.

I've got some baking to do today, so I have something to eat for Christmas morn, and I have some wrapping to do as well. Both baking and wrapping trigger my OCD, so I'll do my best to just take it easy and not obsess. I want to have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow, I want everyone to. I don't care if you don't celebrate Christmas, I want everyone to have a day that is not ruled with whatever you suffer from. Just a day of peace on earth.

Love, Colette

Poem for a Birthday - Sylvia Plath

What is it, behind this veil, is it ugly, is it beautiful?
It is shimmering, has it breasts, has it edges?

I am sure it is unique, I am sure it is what I want.
When I am quiet at my cooking I feel it looking, I feel it thinking

'Is this the one I am to appear for,
Is this the elect one, the one with black eye pits and a scar?

Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus,
Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules.

Is this the one for the annunciation?
My god, what a laugh!'

But it shimmers, it does not stop, and I think it wants me.
I would not mind if it were bones, or a pearl button.

I do not want much of a present, anyway, this year.
After all I am alive only by accident.

I would have killed myself gladly that time any possible way.
Now there are these veils, shimmering like curtains.

The diaphanous satins of a January window
White as babies' bedding and glittering with dead breath. O ivory!

It must be a tusk there, a ghost column.
Can you not see I do not mind what it is.

Can you not give it to me?
Do not be ashamed--I do not mind if it is small.

Do not be mean, I am ready for enormity.
Let us sit down to it, one on either side, admiring the gleam,

The glaze, the mirrory variety to it.
Let us eat our last supper at it, like a hospital plate.

I know why you will not give it to me,
You are terrified.

The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it,
Bossed, brazen, an antique shield,

A marvel to your great-grandchildren.
Do not be afraid, it is not so.

I will only take it and go aside quietly.
You will not hear me opening it, no paper crackle.

No falling ribbons, no scream at the end.
I do not think you credit me with this discretion.

If you only knew how the veils were killing my days.
To you they are only transparencies, clear air.

But my god, the clouds are like cotton.
Armies of them. They are carbon monoxide.

Sweetly, sweetly I breathe in,
Filling my veins with invisibles, with the million

Probable motes that tick the years off my life.
You are silver-suited for the occasion. O adding machine-----

Is it impossible for you to let something go and have it go whole?
Must you stamp each piece purple,

Must you kill what you can?
There is only one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me.

It stands at my window, big as the sky.
It breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center

Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history.
Let it not come by the mail, finger to finger.

Let it not come by word of mouth, I should be sixty
By the time the whole of it was delivered, and too numb to use it.

Only let down the veil, the veil, the veil.
If it were death

I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.
I would know you were serious.

There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday.
And the knife not carve, but enter

Pure and clean as the cry of a baby,
And the universe slide from my side.

Tempted by the Devil

The devil being the binge monster. Admittedly I've been a little lower on my food intake, not on purpose though. So I'm looking at the candy and chocolates my mom asked me to keep for my brother's stocking with great interest. The fact that I would have to explain to my mom and ultimately to my brother does not initially enter my mind. I once binged on his Easter candy. And gave a totally unconvincing, but apparently believed, explanation that I thought it was mine. I don't want to ever binge on somebody else's food again. Actually, I don't want to binge again period. Must make an effort to say no. Must make an effort to eat properly instead, not matter how little time I have.

I can't believe I turn 18 day after tomorrow. My birthday has completely snuck up on me this year. I'm not sure what to do to prepare myself. I need some kind of coping strategy. I don't want to make a plan, but if any little detail goes wrong in a plan I make, the whole plan goes down the tubes because I start to freak out. I just need to know how to deal with shutting out old, horrible, birthday memories as well as shutting up the ED voice. I made over a dress for me to wear and I stood looking at it after I was done with the ED voice telling me I was too fat to fit into it. False. I have no conception of what my body looks like.

I got my very first grade back from college. It's an A. Semi-proud, but at the same time I have a let-down feeling. I do feel really good about the fact that my paper, that I wrote in the witching hour of night, was the best in the class. I'm not letting myself bask in the glow of a good grade too long. I'm already thinking ahead to next semester. I got into two classes that are hard to get into: Women in American History and Intro to Shakespeare.My heart skips a beat just thinking about them. SO excited. I go back on January 12.

Love, Colette

Murphy's Law

Everything that can go wrong on the very last day of finals will. I left the house without an umbrella and got caught in a torrential downpour that left me looking like a drowned rat and feeling really, really cold. I also left the house without food, which is disastrous because I never bring money with me for fear of a binge. So I was starving and cold. I felt awful before all of this happened, so you can imagine just how badly things were going. Somehow or other I made it through the final, and I think I did well. Cautiously optimistic.

I had scheduled an appointment with a counselor after my final, to discus next semester's courses, and that went awry as well. I guess we just didn't hit it off. She seemed really pissed off at me the moment I entered her office and was really pushing me to take classes I don't want. I wasn't about to tell her how I would find a class on nutrition that "emphasizes caloric intake" massively triggering. Nor did I want to tell her that I wasn't taking swimming because I don't want to get into a bathing suit. She also didn't seem to understand that I wanted some time in between at least one class where I could eat. Maybe I should have told her about my ED, but she did nothing to make me trust her enough to do that. I finally just left and chose my classes with my dad's help and without hers. I register tonight, and I'm really excited about most of them!

Running on Empty, Almost

I am sleep-deprived. I stayed up the entire night re-writing an essay on Benedictine monks. I was, in essence, channeling my inner monk, for I was certainly displaying asceticism. I had written four of the worst pages I ever wrote, so for the sake of my sanity I had to re-write the entire thing. I feel better, but at the same time worse. I look a wreck and I need SLEEP. I have to get up early tomorrow too...

I really look forward to the end of the semester. Its finish will mean that I SURVIVED my first college experience without a major relapse into ED. I have lived in fear of that happening. Yes, I've had a few hiccups. But no major spiral. If I can keep this up I feel I can really make strides against ED. I just realized that in another month or so it will be one year since I truly entered "recovery." I'll admit that I'd tried countless times to recover, but it never stuck the way this time has. I think I really owe it to the support I've received, as well as somewhat convincing myself that I am worth recovery. Also, I want to live. Really live, not just breathing, but living with all my senses.

Love, Colette

Circles and Japanese Textiles

Note: I've been far too focused on my ED as of late and I apologize. Although it is very cathartic for me to get my feelings out, it is also very self-indulgent. So onto something else.

Now that I have introduced one of my major muses, Mary Blair, let me unveil another influence: Japanese textiles. My affinity for any fabric goes back many, many years. Fabric designer has even been a potential career path for me. Putting my basic love of fabric aside, what I find particularly fascinating about Japanese fabric is the use of circles in the designs, as well as the unconventional color combinations.


The depictions of nature in these textiles are not meant to be accurate. This freedom from accuracy allows the freedom of color.

This fabric captures my interest for a few reasons. I love the use of the green roses, which do not occur in nature in that shade. I also like the almost stained glass composition of the roses. They look a bit like they are carved. There is something almost medieval about them. Also, notice the amount of variation there is in it despite the very limited color palette.

The below picture also inspires me. This one incorporates pretty much perfectly round circles into nature in a way that doesn't look awkward. Again, the color palette is limited. I love the gold and the black together, and then the way the totally unrelated color of blue is used in the background.

The color theory in Japanese textiles is pretty simple. It doesn't have to be found in nature to be used in a re-creation of nature. Don't use too many colors, but keep contrast for texture and depth. Rules don't really apply, just use your imagination. I find that VERY inspiring. Don't you all get tired of the rules?

p.s. I know it's kind of hard to see, but I just adore the fact that some of the trees in this fabric are upside down!

I Should Be Doing Something Else...

But here I am. I ought to be working on my essays, but I'm at a total standstill with them. I find that when I try to write when I'm at that point, all I say is a total waste. I think I'm going to manage to get everything done on time, get good grades and all, but I will be so relieved when it is all over. Fighting a restriction urge, for three days in a row now I've skipped a meal, only to have to try and make up for it in the evening. I hate doing that; I've got a stupid hangup about eating in the evening because of all the diet crap I've read over the years that has told me that eating then will make me fat. NOT TRUE. Still not looking forward to it anyways.

Asides from all of that fun stuff, I'm kind of excited. My dad and I are heading up the Sierra Nevada tomorrow for our annual trek to find a Christmas tree. I will use the fact that I will be mucking around in the mud and such for a couple of hours as motivation to fuel my body. I know only to well from last year how bad it feels not to fuel yourself. So I'll spend tomorrow all bundled up and, hopefully, having a lovely time!

Love, Colette