Getting All Artsy-Fartsy

I know it's been quite awhile. I have no excuse other than to say that I feel little interesting has happened to me and that I've been studying like a madwoman. I've had a few slip-ups, caused mainly by stress, depression, and stupidity. Sometimes I'm just not "all there" mentally. No surprise, I'm sure.

I've felt trapped. It took me some time to figure out why, but I finally did. All of my creativity, all of what really makes me me, has been suppressed by the major I've pushed myself into. Business is practical, but I feel so stifled by it I want to lash out, at myself and anybody in the near vicinity. Even though I excel, it makes me miserable. It's not like I'm clueless as to what my real passion is, it's art. Always has been, and I have great faith it always will. Yet I'm so into self-denial that I just told myself that art's a no-no.

I cracked though. I started looking at the requirements for an art major, just to be masochistic. But, in a moment of clarity, I knew I could do it, if I got the courage to tell my parents. Looooong story short, I'm officially an art major. I'm happier and freer than I've been in who knows how long. And next person who asks me what I'm going to do for a job and money is getting a knife to the back.

Love, Colette

I Detest the Fruity Floral...

and all that insist on being drenched in perfume in the midst of a not too well ventilated classroom. I also find it very inconsiderate, as I get massive headaches from most scents. Obviously it pisses me off quite a bit as I am still upset about it three days later. But really, what is the freaking point of wearing the wretched stuff? Despite the fact that experiences like that do not make me enamoured of the rest of the human race, I'm having some luck with being more social as of late. My Shakespeare class got into groups (each group will analyze a different play) and my group has some very nice, friendly people. I had wanted to get into the Richard II group, but I didn't, so I'm in Romeo & Juliet. I'm okay with that and I'm actually really looking forward to this project! Plus, I've talked to a few other cool people in other classes and I look forward to meeting them again.

My homework schedule is such that I think I must have been insane to pick the classes I did. I have ZERO free time. When I am not studying I am eating. Actually, that's not accurate because I study as I eat as well. So my updates may seem a bit erratic, but be assured that the reason is solely for the betterment of my brain. In fact my updates will most likely come at moments that I am procrastinating, which is exactly what I am doing now. I'm so tired of reading.

Love, Colette

Week One is Done

I'm exhausted, but in a nice, content way. I am so thankful not to have a Friday class again. That means I have a four-day weekend ahead of me to do the homework I have, as well as re-charge myself. I also really need to do some cleaning in my room; things are piling up and driving me nuts. My brother just did his once a year cleaning of his room, I swear the dust was about two inches thick. How he can live that way is beyond me. He doesn't even sneeze because of it. The very thought of how unclean his room gets makes me want to polish mine into a glittering gem of cleanliness.

I had started to let my calories drift downwards again, so I am trying to make sure to eat more. I got really upset about having to even bother with all of this yesterday morning when my dad took my lunch without my knowledge. I went to pack it and it was just gone. I started to cry on the kitchen floor, and felt very alone because my dad had left for work and everybody else was asleep. I wish it weren't so hard to just get something else to eat, instead of feeling I need to only eat whatever it is I planned on. I wish a lot of things though. Life is life, I am what I am. What I am is not going to change overnight just because I wish it would. Oh well, I talked it over with my dad and he was sincerely sorry and promised not to do it again, at least not without asking me first. So that should not be an issue again.

Hope everyone is well!

Love, Colette

Tomatoes, Luna Bars, and School

The weather was so odd and spring-like today, nice and sunny and mild. Perfect for my first day back to college. The weather is so nice in fact that my mom and I started to plan out our summer veggie garden, which I am ridiculously excited to announce will include heirloom tomatoes! I experimented with these little beauties last summer while trying to get lots of good stuff into my diet to help me regain my health. I loved them so much I insisted that I be able to grow them, partly because a packet of seeds costs less than a couple of them at the grocery store, partly because I am rather enchanted with the idea of growing as much of my own food as I can. We'll be growing lots of other yummy stuff as well, and taking precautions to protect them from the hordes of raccoons that like to take off with our veggies. If you have the idea that raccoons are cute, cuddly, and innocent, throw that idea away. They are mean little bastards with cunning minds. They even rolled the container with my cats' food out of the garage and down to their den once. But I know that somehow I will outsmart them and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Speaking of enjoyment, I love me some Luna bars, another wonderful food that has helped me in my fight to regain my health. To be honest, my favorite Christmas gift may well have been the stack of Luna bars that half-filled my stocking. So when I came across a new flavor at Whole Foods I was very, very happy. White Chocolate Macadamia is what it is called, and even though I thought it tasted great, I didn't taste much of any those flavors. If anybody runs across it though it's definitely worth a try.

I went back to college today, and despite all my anxieties, it went really well. My Shakespeare class is really great. My professor is actually from England, near Stratford as a matter of fact. I don't even mind the fact that because my Shakespeare anthology weighs about 10 pounds my back is currently killing me. My other classes were pretty cool too. My Earth Science is in the planetarium, which is an unusual experience. It's very round. So things went well, I'm excited, and I'm happy. I really couldn't ask for much more.

Love, Colette

I'm Back

After a brief hiatus, which nobody probably even noticed, I am back online. Some screwy stuff was happening with my computer. My brother tried to fix it, but being that he is somewhat inept with computers, he made things far worse. Anyways, it is fixed and I am catching up on a lot of stuff online.

I go back to college on Monday and I feel like I am totally unprepared. I have no books yet and won't for another week at least. I am also worried about taking a full load this semester, because last one I did not. Even though I am looking forward to my classes, esp. my coveted Shakespeare class and Women's History, I worry that I will not be able to handle them and get the grades that I want. So, I am very much on edge. I will update on myself as much as I can this next week, but I expect things to be hectic. If it seems like I have dropped off the face of the earth, just know I haven't.

Love, Colette

The Revolving Door

Good-bye ED, hello OCD. I have an addictive personality it appears. I need to fill a void in my life with something or other that doesn't really do anything to make me a better, more complete person. I've filled it with various EDs, depression (melancholic depression to be specific), and OCD. At the moment it's OCD. How does OCD affect me? I think of it as having three parts. First, there is the part that makes me obsessed with organization. My closet has been color-coded. Everything in my pantry sits at right angles. After somebody takes something out and doesn't put it back right, I have to fix it. I keep papers in neat stacks. Sometimes alphabetized, sometimes by date. I can't decide which I prefer so I spend precious time re-doing them.

I make lists. This complete waste of paper sees me making lists such as what I am going to do for the day, what I am going to do for the rest of my life, my least favorite and favorite foods, or maybe things I would like to buy if money were no object. These lists litter my desk, which drives me crazy, because I must be organized. So I file them, put them in folders, decide that that is ridiculous, throw them away, then start all over again. Lists of the rest of my life are the most dangerous to me. As soon as something threatens my "master plan" I feel that I am spiralling out of control. This leads to my falling back into depression, and ultimately, ED.

Lastly, I have fears. They paralyze me, they terrify me. By and large these fears are totally irrational and I know it. But I still can't stop them and shut them out completely. They hinder me socially, because I fear rejection and because I fear some kind of "contamination." As if other people are carrying some sort of virus. Above all else, I fear winding up alone in life, unloved and uncared for. And it would all be my fault.

OCD is made fun of a lot. I think that it is just about as misunderstood as ED. That is why I can't exactly express my issues openly. People just do not get it. They are too often bewildered by the strangeness of what goes on inside the workings of my mind. So I battle alone essentially, although I would be amiss not acknowledge the support I get from those I know that also fight these issues. Today I feel good and hopeful, so maybe just writing all of this and getting it out is helping. I'm going to find the root of everything one of these days, and when I do, I'm going to kick its ass.

Love, Colette

An Apology

Yesterday I wrote a rant in which I nearly lost my mind. I know that on a "normal" day I've got more than a few screws loose, but I wouldn't ever call myself a raving lunatic. But I was yesterday. The highlights of this rant (which rather than post I deleted) include:

- that I hate my body and every pound on it
- that I hate my body and how every pound on it looks
- that I hate myself because I am completely unattractive
- that I hate myself because I am too "lazy" to start starving myself again
- that if my body didn't exist, I'd be much, much happier

Sounds terribly interesting doesn't it? It's self-destructive and self-indulgent, and I can't stand that I can feel that way. In fact, I apologize for ever feeling that way. I apologize for writing a rant that could have been very triggering to somebody. I apologize because I'm really not the person who wrote that rant. Somebody else resides within me, the conglomeration of my demons so to speak. For these demons I am so sorry. For letting them take control over, for giving them the upper hand, I am sorry.

This abusive relationship I have with ED really needs to end. I know I'm clinging onto the last shreds of it. I have everything to gain by letting go. What do I lose? A slew of disgusting, vile, harmful, and sad behaviours.

Love, Colette

p.s. Christmas was okay.